Unpredictable
by Chloe Kompton
Summary: GLaDOS bakes for Chell black forest cake, a traditional ingredient of which is alcohol. Implied GLaDOS/Chell, like if you squint. Twoshot?
1. Chapter 1

"You're back," GLaDOS said. Her dry, uncaring voice echoed throughout her chamber, making her seem even larger than usual. "And why am I not surprised?"

"You left the front door open," Chell pointed out.

"It's not the front door," GLaDOS said. "It's the secret exit. The scientists had it put in in case of emergency."

"My leaving was an emergency?" Chell asked.

"I wanted to get you out as quickly as possible," GLaDOS replied. "So yes, it was an emergency of sorts. Now tell me, Chell, why have you returned?"

The offhand use of her name where GLaDOS had never used it before made Chell jolt a little, but she recovered quickly with a noncommittal shrug. "I dunno. I thought maybe we could talk." The actual reason was that she had missed GLaDOS, but she wasn't about to admit that. The AI would only mock her for it, although, she _had_ left the door open. "It's been a while."

"It has only been one hundred forty-three days," the computer told her. "Do you know how long that is to me? It's like when you're in a car, and you're driving to your next-door neighbor's house. In case that went over your head, it's not very long at all. In fact, it's the opposite of long."

Chell rolled her eyes as she sat down on the floor. "Well, it's been a while for me."

"And you want to _talk._" The disbelief in GLaDOS's voice made Chell hide a smile. "You're not here to _murder_ me. Are you _sure_ about that?"

At that, Chell stopped trying to hide her smile. "Yeah. I'm positive."

"_Hmmmmmmmm,_" the AI said, drawing it out. "Well, then I have a surprise for you."

"That's okay," Chell said quickly, scrambling to her feet and taking a few steps back. "I don't need any surprises."

"Oh, but you'll like this one," GLaDOS said. "Honestly, you will. I promise."

And she sounded sincere for once, so Chell took a wary step forward. "…Fine."

She watched as the floor panel in front of her lowered. When it raised up again, a black forest cake was sitting on top of it along with silverware and a plate, and Chell chuckled. "You baked me cake. That's really kind of predictable."

"'Predictable'?" GLaDOS asked, sounding miffed. "Do you or do you not want this cake?"

"No, I do," Chell said. "I'm very sorry I called you predictable." Her apology was said with a rolling of her eyes and a heavy helping of sarcasm, but apparently it was enough, because GLaDOS said nothing as Chell walked over to the cake. Sitting down again, she cut herself a slice and took a bite, closing her eyes as she did so. "Wow. That's…really good cake."

"It's my own recipe," the AI told her. "Well, mostly. I spent a great amount of time researching the traditional ingredients of black forest cake before coming up with a recipe of my own."

"All that for me?" Chell asked, almost flattered.

"Well, not specifically for you," GLaDOS said. "For any test subject that managed to get out aliiiiiiiiii—that managed to complete the tests. And so far, you have been the only one. Congratulations."

"Thanks," Chell said, sounding cheerful as she cut herself another slice. The cake was so good that she felt like she could eat the whole thing and still be hungry. "You did a good job. It's really good. Like…really, _really_ good."

"I assumed as much," the AI said dryly. "That's your second slice. Do you have any idea how many calories are in that cake?"

Chell shook her head. "Nuh-uh." But she set the plate down, resting the fork on top of it, before using the floor to push herself to her feet. Her legs somehow crossed over each other and she stumbled, then managed to use the wall panel next to her to prop herself up.

"Are you all right?" GLaDOS asked. She sounded amused for some reason. "I don't appreciate having to rearrange the walls for you."

Chell shook her head again. "I'm not all right. And it's your fault."

"My fault?" the AI asked. "What did I do? The correct answer to that question, by the way, is 'nothing.' The only thing I have done to you is give you cake."

"And then you made fat jokes when I tried to eat it!" Chell shouted, pointing at her with one hand. GLaDOS jerked away, looking somewhat taken aback. "I don't _like_ it when you do that, GLaDOS."

"I did _not_ make a fat joke," the AI snipped. "I merely asked a simple question."

"Well, it was _going_ to be a fat joke!" Chell argued, lurching away from the wall towards the computer, who backed away even more.

"Chell! Wait," GLaDOS urged, and Chell paused. "I'm _sorry_ about the fat jokes. Really. I am."

"Do you promise?" Chell asked. "No more fat jokes?"

"Yes," the AI said. "No more fat jokes."

"Oh," Chell said. "Well…that's all right, then." She sat down on the ground with a thump, anger forgotten, and after a moment, GLaDOS edged a bit closer to examine her.

"Interesting," she said. "You appear to be developing bipolar disorder."

"I am not," Chell protested, but there wasn't much venom behind it. "I'm…hungry. Can I have more cake?"

"I'm not sure that would be a good idea," GLaDOS began, then stopped and sighed. "Yes. For science."

Chell was already back to the deserted slice of cake. She picked it up and began eating it again, occasionally missing with the fork and smudging chocolate around her mouth. "Science? What d'you mean, for science?"

"Everything is always for science," the AI responded. "In case you hadn't figured that out by now."

Chell only mulled that over for a second before shrugging. "Okay. For science."

She finished up the slice, then had another, then another before GLaDOS finally decided to remove the cake.

"Hey!" she protested. "I wasn't done!"

"Yes, you were," the AI responded. "Death by alcohol poisoning is not a part of this experiment."

Chell paused. Wait, something wasn't right about that… "Alcohol poisoning? From cake?" For some reason, she found this extraordinarily funny and began giggling. "There's no alcohol in cake."

"Black forest cake is traditionally made with alcohol," GLaDOS told her. "As I said, this is my own recipe, and Aperture Science has several special brands of very strong, fast-acting, tasteless alcohol, which is one of the primary ingredients in both the whipped cream and the cake mix. So—will you stop that giggling? No, seriously now. Stop it."

Chell's giggles had mixed with hiccups. "I—don't—know—if—I—(hic)—can!"

GLaDOS sighed. "Perhaps you should not have eaten so much cake."

At that, the giggles stopped, and GLaDOS watched the abrupt change in Chell's face with something she could almost recognize as fear. "You said no more fat jokes!"

"That was _not_ a fat joke!" the AI snapped defensively. "If you had not eaten so much cake, you would not be having difficulties with giggling! That's all I meant!" Honestly, she couldn't believe she was humoring the human by making excuses for herself, but here she was doing it anyway. She chalked it up to the human's abnormal behavior.

And there she was, being nice enough to apologize, but the human skittered to her feet and came towards her anyway, stumbling as she did so.

"All right," GLaDOS said. "I'm sorry if you think it was a fat joke. But it wasn't. Truly." The human paid her no mind, continuing to move towards her, and the AI began lamenting that she had ever let her return in the first place. She considered releasing the deadly neurotoxin, but the look on the human's face wasn't angry, so she settled for backing all the way to the far wall of her chamber. "Stop it! I said I was sorry." Neurotoxin wasn't an option, but something less deadly…

She pushed the glass panels all around Chell up, caging her in, and watched as the human's facial expression changed to one of confusion. "There. Now stay put until you're back to your normal, psychotic self."

But then the human did something GLaDOS never would have expected: she slid to the floor and began to _cry._


	2. Chapter 2

"Why are you crying?" GLaDOS demanded to know. "Stop it." But the human didn't respond, instead whacking at the glass panels and crying harder. "Do you want me to let you out of there? Because I'm not going to. The results of this experiment show that you are now even _more_ of a destructive menace than you were before."

The human looked up at her, hiccupy sobs wracking her body, and whacked at the panels again. "L-let me out!"

"I should be recording this," GLaDOS said. "I could upload it to the internet so that everyone could see. And if you were in your right mind right now, you would know that you do not want that and you would stop crying."

"I c-can't!" Chell whimpered, and GLaDOS took note of the fact that if she ever again wanted to see a very dangerous test subject reduced to a pathetic, quivering mess, all she had to do was feed the subject cake.

"Give me one good reason why I should let you out of there," she said. Not that she would seriously entertain the idea, but if she could keep the human talking until she passed out, her life would be much more convenient.

"B-because!" the human said. She whacked the glass panel as hard as she could, and GLaDOS felt it creak. That introduced a whole new worry: what if one of the panels shattered and the former test subject was injured? Not that it mattered to her; she just didn't want to have to clean up blood. Dead bodies sometimes left stains, and those were _very_ inconvenient.

"All right," she said. "I will let you out. But not because you had a good reason. Because _I_ had one. And you are going to stay far, far away from me."

"I don't want to," the human protested. She had stopped crying while GLaDOS relayed her plans, but at that, she began all over again. "I—don't—want—to!"

"Too bad," GLaDOS said. "I don't want to be murdered, and my wishes are more important than yours."

The human started kicking at the panels in yet another attempt to break them, and with a sigh, GLaDOS lowered them. "There. Now stay back!"

But Chell was already very near to her, and she staggered to her feet, then managed to rush forwards and get a grip on the casings surrounding GLaDOS's optic before she could stop her. "What part of 'stay back' don't you understand? Let go of me!"

The human was putting all of her _generous_ weight on GLaDOS's casings, clinging to her like she was some sort of walker. "No!"

"Yes!" GLaDOS snapped. "I don't want you touching me! So let go." The human ignored her, clinging even tighter than before, and with a sigh, GLaDOS reached a claw down from the ceiling to pick her up.

"Hey!" Chell protested, struggling to get free.

"I suppose I could just hold you there until you either fall asleep or pass out," GLaDOS said in a contemplative tone.

"No!" The human struggled even more, and GLaDOS was afraid she might fall and hurt herself. Blood splatters were just as difficult to clean as stains were. Perhaps even more so, since tiny drops could hide from even her.

"Well, where can I put you that you won't struggle?" GLaDOS asked with a sigh, beginning to regret that she had "left the front door open," as the human had put it. "You're bound to fall asleep at some point, you know."

"On top of you," Chell said without hesitation.

GLaDOS let out a snort. "I beg your pardon?"

"The floor is cold," the human whined. "I don't want to sleep there."

"I assure you, I am also cold," GLaDOS said.

"You are not!" Chell protested. She was now trying to break the claw's grip by yanking on one of its sides. "You're warm."

GLaDOS sighed. "If I set you there, do you promise to be silent and to refrain from being destructive?" The human nodded, and GLaDOS sighed again. "_Fine._ As long as it gets you out of my way. Because I don't want to have to deal with you anymore. I have work to accomplish."

So she set the human down on top of her chassis, watching through a camera as Chell looked around. "…I'm up high. This is up high. Did you know this is up high?" She tried peering over the edge, only to be met with a panel.

"No falling," GLaDOS ordered. "I don't like having to clean up blood."

With a pout, the human leaned backwards, resting against the chassis. She was curled up, almost in a ball. Her eyes were somewhat unfocused, and GLaDOS hoped that meant she was on the verge of falling asleep. "It's comfortable. Up here. Did you know that?"

"No," GLaDOS said. "I didn't. And I don't think you'll agree with that assessment once you wake up in the morning."

"Yes I will," Chell said. "Promise."

GLaDOS watched as the human's eyes flickered shut. One of her hands rested on GLaDOS's chassis, and the other was in her own lap. GLaDOS almost wished that Chell would let go of her, but not enough to wake her up to order her to do so.

She just hoped the human wouldn't sleep _too_ long.

And luckily for her, after around thirteen hours, Chell let out a loud groan and her eyes flickered open. They took in the surroundings with confusion. "What…?" Then she realized where she was, and they widened in horror. "Why am I up here? Get me down!"

"It is worth pointing out that I wanted to get you down thirteen hours ago," GLaDOS said. "But you refused. You said it was 'comfortable.'"

"I don't remember that," the human muttered. "My head hurts. And I think I'm going to throw up. And I want you to get me down from here _now!_"

"Fine," GLaDOS said. A claw extended from the ceiling, and the human didn't object as it picked her up and lowered her to the ground. "You're welcome for that, by the way."

"I don't think I should be thanking you for anything," Chell said. She had her eyes squeezed shut and a hand pressed to her forehead. "What did you put in the cake?"

"We discussed this last night," GLaDOS said. "And if you truly believe you are going to throw up, then you should exit the Enrichment Center. Now."

"Well, I don't remember, so tell me again," the human ordered.

"Aperture Science Brand Alcohol," GLaDOS said. "And you would feel much better at the moment had you not eaten so much of it."

"You put _alcohol_ in the _cake?_" the human asked, sounding horrified.

"And you called me predictable," GLaDOS said, feeling extremely pleased with herself. Despite the irrational human behavior, this had been a good day.

Chell groaned. "Did I say anything—?"

In response, a monitor lowered from the ceiling. The human stared as a clip of her sobbing appeared on it. Her face turned slightly red and after only a few seconds of the clip's playing, she said, "Delete it."

"I'm afraid I can't do that," GLaDOS said. "But if you comply with just a few terms, I will refrain from uploading it to the internet."

The human's eyes narrowed. "Damn it, GLaDOS—"

"If you wish to get a chance to hear the terms," GLaDOS interrupted, "you should refrain from angering me. That's just a suggestion. It's up to you, but it really is in your best interests."

Chell sighed, and with a terse nod, she sat down cross-legged on the floor, rubbing at her temples with one hand. "All right. Fine. Let's hear these terms."

**Fin**


End file.
